1 de fevereiro de 2015

Blaming is Useless

Blaming is related to not knowing how to deal with mistakes and imperfection. Imperfect people expect others or even themselves to act flawlessly. This uneven expectation makes room for injustice and unnecessary suffering.

We live in a very hypocritical society. Saying a bad word in front of kids is politically incorrect, but when Meryl Streep says it on television, she gets a long standing ovation for it. At Christmas (Christmas in Brazil is in the summer), many of my friends post pictures of themselves wearing bikinis or small swimming trunks on the beach, but if I post a picture of myself at home, wearing boxers and a regular t-shirt taking the ornaments off my Christmas tree, I get tons of criticism, saying it’s not an appropriate picture to post on my wall. Some of those same friends had posted pictures with way more exposed skin minutes before. None of those had been told to put some clothes on or had been asked if their a/c was broken as I had. In terms of exposure, there are no real differences other than social stigma attached to bra and panties versus a bikini, or swimming trunks versus boxers.

So, what's appropriate depends on the social context or status of the performer and the flawed eye of the imperfect beholder.

The expectation for an appropriate behavior produces very demanding beings and a lot of distress.

We all know work can be a pain in the neck. Unfortunately, this is not just figurative language. From obesity to chronic headaches, the working life can cause a whole host of ­conditions that have a huge impact on people's health. You can find the job of your dreams, but if there's too much pressure for results, exacerbated perfectionism, a repetitive routine or even a demanding supervisor (who could be yourself -- as we are talking about dream jobs), stress lies ahead. You can even stop working in an actual job and dedicate yourself to some life non-profit project or something like it, but if you have too much expectation or put too much pressure on yourself, it won't be any different. So people tend to blame work when the source of the problem is in the mismanagement of expectations. 

In a society based on profit, results are achieved because they must, not because they give us pleasure. And working becomes something painful and life-consuming.

The same works at school, at church, at home... Even looking for a partner in life, people tend to raise their expectations and discard those who are not Mr. or Mrs. Right on the first go. If you have specific requirements regarding your potential mate’s height, weight, and/or appearance that aren’t negotiable under any circumstances; if you refuse to date anyone unless they make a certain amount of money; and/or if you require a person to trust you and open up to you at first sight (which is an error I usually fall into), your relationship expectations may be unreasonable.

But I'm not saying you can't have expectations, they just need to be reasonable. Your relationship expectations are probably reasonable if a spark of some sorts is required, whether it’s mental, physical "or" emotional; if you want someone who finds you amusing, adorable, and/or exciting; if you are holding out for someone whose basic views on the world are similar, but not necessarily identical to yours. 

People are not perfect, but they have to learn how to arouse others if they want to find someone who arouses them. So, instead of spending time looking for someone to blame for your loneliness, spend that time trying to find that sparkle that arouses you when you look at yourself in the mirror.

Some people are trapped into situations where they can feel gods in a moment and human wrecks in the other. And the only one to blame is the one who can't find the strength to step out of a sick situation like that. No matter who started.

Every action has a performer (who's responsible for it) and a consequence (that not always falls over the performer). Those consequences may even be unconscious. You may say you don't like working as a slave, you can't stand being treated like that by your partner, you are tired of those assignments at school who haven't taught you a thing, but deep in your brain, you are tamed. As a barking dog, you sit because you were told to. But you're not a dog and you must know that.

Finding someone to blame is useless. What we've got to do is to use that time to find solutions and put them into action. Those who can get rid of blame and judgement will find an easier path towards peace and success in life.

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